I Speak From Experience
by seeyouontheice
Summary: okay so i wrote this and am not really sure; its Jacha though


It was over. He had lost the woman of his dreams because she felt she could no longer trust him like she once did. When she spoke of love it had been in the past tense – a faded memory of what once was between them. All because he didn't tell her about the hole in their little boy's heart; all because he didn't trust her enough to do what needed to be done. Life … and love … was a cruel joke at times; you thought you had something that would last and then in a blink of an eye it crashes and burns before your very eyes.

In all fairness he should've seen it coming; she was way out of his league and frankly, he had no idea why she hadn't made a run for it sooner. He cursed himself an idiot at believing that she would stay with him … after all he'd always known deep down that he was on borrowed time with her. He had known that soon someone would come along and offer her everything she wanted and whisk her away into her magical sunset leaving him to pick up the broken pieces of his life.

And then he was being hauled to his feet and dragged in whatever direction whoever it was wanted to go. He honestly didn't care where they were going – hopefully to some cliff so he could throw himself off it "C'mon you big idiot."

"That's it, mind your step." Sacha did as he was told and let the pair guide him along as if he were a blind man in need of aid from anyone and everyone. Strong arms were keeping him upright while a soft and gentle hand held his, guiding him along through his grief. A strange pair they were; she the person he needed right now and him the person he didn't expect.

The somewhat odd trio came to a stop while the registrar's two comrades discussed something between them before they were off again on their slow gander to wherever they were going … not that he cared. All Sacha wanted to do was sit and wallow in self-pity while his wife got further and further away with his son. "You can wallow when I get you to Darwin, okay?" Jac told him when he tried to break away from them and sink to the floor. "Sacha … please – not here."

"Ms Naylor is right – the stairwell is no place for a break down … HR would be on to me like a fly to a corpse if they found out we let you clog the stairs. I believe the words 'fire hazard' would best describe it."

"Leave me here … besides you have – meetings and stuff – to go to."

"That I do have, but Ms Naylor can't carry you up these stairs by herself can she?"

"Come on Sacha," Jac told him gently once again taking his hand in hers. Through his tears – he hadn't even noticed he was crying – he was shocked to see the concern written across her already tired face. He kicked himself; something was worrying her and here he was adding to that load … what kind of friend was he? "One step at a time, yeah?" she suggested.

"That's it … good man." By the time they reached Darwin Ward Jac was technically late – and naturally Elliot was fuming. "One moment he's singing your praises and the next he's adamant you over-stepped the mark," Hanssen observed to Jac as the old heart surgeon spotted the trio and fell silent at the utter despair on Sacha Levy's face.

"Well what are fathers for hey?"

"You think of him as a father?"

"I don't have anyone else … can we get Mr Levy a cup of tea please?" Jac almost yelled in the direction of the nurses' station. Presumably someone rushed to do as was 'asked' because Hanssen spotted someone dart towards the staff room almost as soon as Jac had finished asking. Sacha was steered into the consultants' office where he sank onto the sofa in a heap staring vacantly at the floor.

Jac abandoned her handbag on her desk as she dragged her chair out from behind the table while Hanssen made his excuses to leave. "Well … I er – think I can leave Mr Levy in your capable hands don't you?"

"The touchy feely crap that's about to happen scaring you away Henrik?"

He didn't answer that one, and Sacha didn't blame him. The Swede opened the door and marched out of the office just as the other door opened and Jonny came in with two cups of tea and the box of biscuits. "What happened?" he asked in a low voice forcing the drink into Sacha's hands before handing Jac hers.

"Not entirely sure … have you finished your shift?" he nodded, stifling a yawn. "Then go home."

"I'll stay … keep you in Elliot's good books for as long as possible," he grinned slightly but the smile vanished as an anguished sobbing started coming from the man perched on the edge of the plain sofa. Jac knew that there would be little chance she'd get anything out of her friend for a while yet getting to her feet, the door opened and Mo almost fell into the room.

"Oh Sacha … are you okay?" Jac narrowed her eyes at the registrar before ordering everyone out of the room and shutting the door behind her.

"No one is going to get anything out of him while he's like this. Go home – both of you … before you collapse due to lack of sleep or something." In all honesty, she wanted Mo out of the picture for a while – when the talking happened it would have to be just her and Sacha. No one else just the two of them sorting through whatever the problem was. Luckily Jonny managed to persuade her to leave the building; apparently she was meant to be spending a few days with her parents.

"Jac," the voice made her jump.

"Elliot … look I wasn't late – I saw him sitting on the curb like that and I couldn't exactly leave him there could I?"

"I wasn't going to talk about that … I was going to say, do you want me to cancel your list for the day – only I get the feeling Sacha will need you."

Jac thought about it as Jonny stifled another yawn, "Oh go home Jonny. You're no use to anyone half asleep."

"I just thought you'd like someone to sit with ya wee mate while you did the ward rounds." He shrugged as if it was no big deal. "That and Serena asked me to brief you two on what happened last night."

"What happened?" Jac asked at once.

"Just a wee incident involving Gemma and Ollie …"

"Oliver? What did he do this time?" Elliot asked.

"I shall tell you once you've done the ward round … now, off you pop; I'll be in your office keeping an eye on Jac's best mate." He smiled at them before heading off towards the office.

"You're a lucky woman Jac – to have him."

Jac sighed, "except that I don't Elliot. Not anymore … shall we?"

"Lead on."

After the ward round, the two consultants agreed to half Jac's list for the day on account of Sacha's unexpected … well breakdown was the only word for it. Issuing orders to a bunch of nurses, Elliot let Jac slip off to the office and to Sacha. The surgeon pushed the door open tentatively and was surprised at the lack of sound; Jonny was dozing in her chair while Sacha sat staring out of the window as if waiting for something. At least he wasn't crying anymore.

"What did you see?"

Jac joined him on the settee with a sigh. "Hanssen and I both heard your conversation with Chrissie before she got into the taxi … I'm so sorry Sacha."

He closed his eyes. "Go on then; say it."

"Say what?"

"I told you so … I know you're dying to," he turned to look at her with acceptance in his eyes.

"Even I'm not that evil."

Sacha smiled slightly before putting an arm around her – which was odd since she was the one comforting _him_ – and sighed, "You're not evil Jac … you're not even mean or even heartless. You are just …"

"Go on."

"Misunderstood," he told her simply.

"Perhaps … but not by you though."

"No, not by me." Sacha slumped back against the back of the sofa.

"What are you gonna do now?"

"What can I do Jac? She can't trust me anymore – you said you heard us talk – and frankly … I don't blame her. What was I thinking?"

"You weren't. You daughter was dying and you were scared and you just wanted to save her. And you were worried Chrissie wouldn't cooperate. There's no crime in wanting to save your child's life Sacha."

"But I lied to her Jac!"

"And how many times has she lied to you?"

"That's not the point."

"Maybe not, but whether she would have consented to the op if she'd known about the hole in Daniel's heart or not; it's irrelevant now isn't it? You can't change the past no matter how much you may want to."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"We all do things we wish we could change – go back and undo. It is called life … I'm not proud of some of the things I've done Sacha; but I know I can't change them now. They've happened and," Jac closed her eyes, "I have to live with them."

"So you're saying that I just have to accept that I've destroyed my marriage?"

"You both lost trust in each other – she didn't trust you with her breast cancer scare did she? – it takes two to break up a marriage, or any relationship really."

"You speak words of wisdom my young friend."

"Wisdom, more like experience." Jac muttered; "in the realms of failed relationships anyway."

Sacha wrapped an arm around her shoulders again, "your perfect man is right under your very nose Jac … you are just too proud to admit it – or see it even."

"I thought you were meant to be crying your eyes out over your heartbreak because your wife has buggered off to who-knows-where with your son."

"Melbourne."

"Huh?"

"She's gone to see her dad in the land down under."

"Is she coming back?"

"So she says …"

"And you believe her?"

"What else can I do?"

"I could run to the airport if you wanted? I stopped Faye running off with Harry – I'm sure I could stop Chrissie running off with Daniel."

"Chrissie hates you," Sacha pointed out.

"Not as much as Faye," Jac shook her head, "not nearly as much as she did – still does most probably." The two friends sat in silence for a long moment, "do you want to sleep at mine tonight? You'll have to have the sofa but …"

Sacha smiled, "If it's not too much trouble … yeah. I'd love that; it'd be almost like the good old days when we were both free and single."

"Well technically; we still are," Jac pointed out as she got to her feet, "I'm due in theatre soon – and I should probably do some work today."

"I'll be fine Jac," Sacha promised when she cast a look at the still dozing Jonny, "let him sleep."

"He's only here because he wouldn't let me send him home to bed," Jac fretted.

"Does he know?"

"Know what?"

"How much you love him?"

"I told him that I did, if that's what you mean."

Sacha sighed, "It isn't and you know what I mean."

"I've got to work," Jac escaped onto the ward for an hour before Elliot dragged her into theatre for a three hour procedure that put them both to the test. "Damn – another bleed!"

"Jac just stop panicking."

"I'm not panicking!"

"Yes, you are … calm down."

She snapped, "oh I'm sorry but I'm literally holding his heart together in my hands Elliot – sorry if I'm not calm enough for you!"

"Hold still and let me just …" after a few moments silence Elliot withdrew from the gaping hole in the chest and glanced at the machines as the bleeping ceased. "There – you can let the heart go now Ms Naylor …" Jac nodded, stepping back. "Right can we get him off bypass please?" under Elliot's instructions, they finished the op and shipped their victim – patient – off to ITU. "How's Sacha?"

"Chrissie just ended their marriage."

"Ah."

"Yeah, so not so good – he's putting on a brave face though, even to me."

"Well probably because he learnt from the best at putting on brave faces; you seem to do it on a regular basis."

"I don't have a choice."

"Everyone has a choice Jac."

"Sometimes you have to choose between pretending a situation's fine and accepting that it isn't."

Leaving Elliot to go through the success of the op to the relatives, Jac headed back to the office only to find her friend sound asleep on the sofa and Jonny dead to the world at her desk. "Oncology just phoned – Rachel wondering … oh."

So the two consultants were forced to make do without their office for the remainder of the morning, and even though Hanssen was less than pleased when he found out, he agreed that as a one off he'd let it slide just this once. Jac snuck up to oncology in her break to tell Rachel that her father was currently snoring on the sofa in the Darwin consultants' office – the teen seemed to find this rather typical of her dad. Jac then had to endure a rather awkward ten minutes while Helen – Sacha's ex – tried to 'build bridges' and 'make friends'. Using her job as an excuse, Jac escaped the second she could not at all envying Rachel.

Detouring to the canteen to grab food – for her and the two men zoned out in her office – Jac rather expertly avoided contact with anyone around her. Already rumours were flying around over the breakdown of the Levy-Williams marriage … "boy, good news sure does travel fast doesn't it?" the redhead muttered as she elbowed her way onto Darwin. "Where's Jonny?"

"He went to help Elliot on the ward – apparently his short power nap has replenished him enough to work again … ah what it is to be young."

"Rachel was asking after you."

"Elliot said; apparently she even got a visit out of you."

Jac shrugged, handing him the sandwich and a bit unnerved at her friend's over cheery state. "Well she found it amusing and somewhat typical of you to be asleep on my sofa."

Sacha smiled fondly, "yeah … ah we used to have some good nights out didn't we?"

"We did … what happened?"

Sacha thought about it for a moment as the door opened and Jonny waltz in – probably sensing that Jac had bought him food. Handing him the sandwich somewhat reluctantly Sacha spoke, "I know what happened; Joseph left … you left and then came back as a registrar on Darwin wanting the job you eventually got."

"Blame it all on him why don't you."

"I wasn't blaming him, I was only saying that his … departure … meant that our friendship suffered because you went back to being the cold and annoying Jac I first met and I wasn't on the same ward and able to counter that with my Levy Love."

"You're what?" Sacha went to say it again and Jac shook her head, "d'you know what? Don't."

"I don't know for sure," Jonny ventured, "but I'm guessing it's rather like my Maconie Charm?"

"Not you too," Jac moaned.

"Exactly … only the Maconie Charm works on Jac whereas the Levy Love doesn't so much."

"I beg to differ." Jonny said unimpressed through his mouthful of sandwich. However no one could reply because the door opened yet again to reveal Michael, panting for breath and having clearly just run all the way here from wherever he'd been.

"Sacha … I've just heard; I didn't know she'd do this – I mean I knew she was angry with you for not telling her, but …"

"I'm sorry, what?" Jac interrupted.

Michael blinked before realising he'd said a little too much, "Now look … nothing happened alright? She's a friend, she was upset, and I offered her a lift. That's all."

"A lift where exactly Michael?" Sacha asked staring at the floor again. Jonny glanced across the room at Jac, who already suspected where this was going.

He froze … "Mo said she saw you coming in with her before she started her shift last night … and that your hug looked a little too … well," Jonny shrugged and left it open.

"Ah … look it's not what it seems okay? Nothing happened – okay something _could have_ happened if Daniel didn't keep calling for her but nothing did happen."

"Could have?" Jac repeated while Sacha gave a whimper. "Wow Michael you really do know how to stoop, don't you? New lows every day, am I right? Your marriage is already in shatters so you thought you'd help ruin someone else's … is that right?"

"Stay outta this Jac!"

"No I won't! Sacha's my friend – _our_ – friend and you do this to him?"

"I didn't do anything alright! Can we just calm down … now listen, okay? You wanna know what she said that night Jac? She said that you were right; that apparently you told her it would be only a matter of time before she screwed him over. Jeeze talk about having faith in your bestfriend's relationship huh?"

Jac didn't respond. "You … you said that?" Sacha asked and she closed her eyes, tired of all this.

"And for the record … I asked her why the hell she was taking relationship advice from you. Because, Jac, you only know how to destroy one don't you? And who would even wanna make one work with you anyway?"

"Tell me something I don't know."

"Oh okay … did you know that Byrne was using you?"

It was Jac's turn to freeze. "I think that's quite enough, don't you Mr Spence?" Hanssen had slipped into the office along with Elliot, and how long they'd been there was anyone's guess. "Now I believe you have left Keller without a consultant for long enough …"

"Whatever I was leaving anyway," the American gave in as he left the room.

"I suggest you all get on with doing something useful – like what you are paid to do!" the swede then stormed out leaving Elliot unsure what he was meant to be doing.

"Jonathan … bay four needs a MRI."

"Give me a sec," he muttered his eyes switching from Sacha with his head in his hands on the edge of the sofa and Jac, who'd gotten to her feet during her little exchange with Michael, staring at her desk.

"Five minutes, no more." Elliot said, shutting the door firmly behind him.

"I didn't mean it like that …"

"Then how did you mean it Jac!"

"You remember I left early yeah? From the drinks in Luc's van before your wedding day?" she swallowed, "Well Chrissie was on her way to the van – met her just outside – and … and she was going to end it there and then. So I told her that it was a good idea because it was only a matter of time and that … um … out of everyone I know you deserved to be happy. I said if she couldn't promise that in front of us all then … she might as well save you the trouble so to speak." Jac glanced at her friend, "Sacha … I was trying to protect you."

"Well, you were right Jac … as always. Go on say it; you told me so."

"No."

"Say it!"

"No!"

"Say it!"

"I won't! And you want to know why? Because when she said 'I do' or whatever it was, I … I believed her. I honestly believed that she'd changed … but then people don't change not really – not, not deep down; look at me … I haven't changed at all have I?"

There was silence as Sacha digested Jac's words. "I'm sorry," he began.

"Yeah, yeah spare me please. I've got work to do." Jac stormed out of the office blaming her hormones for her irrational mood swings and her annoyance at her friend.

"Jac … wait," Jonny grabbed her arm, "don't you think you're being a wee bit … well," he searched for the word, "a wee bit –"

"A bit what … well come on, spit it out!"

"What is with you today?" he hissed, dragging her into the staff room, "you come in being all supportive and actually proving you have a heart and care, and now you're acting all," again he struggled to find the words.

"All what … insensitive and uncaring; well excuse me if my bestfriend would rather believe Michael Spence over me … you know what Jonny? I've just about had it with him – he wouldn't even have been in a relationship with her if it wasn't for me! I bloody took him to the airport that Christmas because he didn't have the balls to do it himself. I've fought tooth and nail to back him when people start questioning him – when complaints are made against him. Whenever something goes wrong he comes running to me like a schoolboy and we – I – fix it. And what thanks do I get?"

"Jac …"

"Oh but it's me isn't it. Jac Naylor doesn't do that sort of thing, she doesn't care about other people; she's only out for all she can get. Do you know how tired I am of having people doubt me all the time? Of having to prove that I belong in this job? How many kids who grew up in care become doctors Jonny? How many of them even make it through med school – make it to become a registrar even?"

"That's not the point, Jac listen …"

But Jac wasn't listening. She'd had enough of listening to people because no one ever listened to her; oh they said they would but they never did. They never helped. "I wasn't anybody Jonny. And in this line of work you have to be _somebody_ to get ahead – you have to get noticed. The only way I could do that was to become what I am okay? I became a bitch who cares only about herself and her career and her future; that's me alright isn't it?"

"Well I think it's safe to say your hormones are playing up; Jac stop and listen to me a moment …"

"I've had enough of listening Jonny; because no one ever – not ever – listens to me. Something goes wrong on the ward and it's my fault even if it's not because I've … I've tried to cover my back or whatever Elliot thinks. No one trusts me! Imagine working in an environment where you know that no one would miss you if you just didn't turn up one day … but that's my whole life in a nutshell. No one ever cared about me. My own mother couldn't wait to leave."

Jac hadn't realised she was pacing the room agitatedly, that she was crying or that she was in the verge of a breakdown herself. "What's all this for Jac? What's brought all this on?" Jonny asked gently.

"He was the first person who … who actually dared to care about me despite how much I didn't want him to."

"Who was?"

"Sacha …" Jac came to a stop in front of the sink and let out a small sigh mixed with a sob as she turned to face the Scottish nurse. "I've let him down Jonny."

"No you haven't … jeeze you haven't let anybody down!"

"He's my bestfriend and I let Chrissie break his heart … like I knew she would right from the start. I should've – stopped it or … or something."

"Stop; Jac listen to me okay … stop crying. You haven't let anyone down, least of all Sacha."

"But … what I said to Chrissie that night," she began but Jonny cut her off almost immediately.

"You only said what we all thought Jac. And like you, we all believed her when she married him that she truly did love him … and maybe she did – then. But people fall in and out of love all the time; it's when you can't stop loving someone despite all the bad that you're in real trouble."

"Who are you, and what have you done with Jonny?" he gave her his grin and suddenly everything seemed that much brighter. "I'm sorry – you … you didn't have to listen."

Jonny walked across the room and took her hands in his, "you needed me too … and I'm glad that I did." Jac tried a smile as she wiped her eyes dry, "now … I need to take bay four for that MRI before Elliot gets anymore … well let's just say he's getting stressed over where his doughnuts are disappearing to."

"Don't look at me," Jac protested.

"Oh because you're Jac Naylor and you don't do carbs, fat or sweet do you?"

"Definitely not," she agreed.

"Go and talk to Sacha. Take it from me; the longer you leave it the worse it will be – and if you apologise first then you can take the wee high ground and tease him about that later on … I do it with Mo all the time."

Jac laughed in spite of herself watching him drop her hands with something like regret as he left the room before Elliot came looking for him. Making her way back to the office, and half hoping that Sacha wasn't there, Jac thought over what had just happened. _Hormones _sprang to mind but then she realised it was more than that – she, like everyone else, had fooled herself into believing that Sacha and Chrissie were made to last. That it had ended just like that and so suddenly and during a time when Sacha was at his most … vulnerable? Well seeing him crumble and fall like that as Chrissie left had utterly destroyed Jac; who in their right mind could find it in themselves to hurt the most, well-loved man in the entire hospital?

Because Sacha could change anyone for the better if he was given half a chance … Jac herself was living proof of that. Had they all thought that Sacha had changed Chrissie too – that he'd somehow eradicated her desire to find 'the perfect man' and her need to bitch, gossip, and stir. Well they'd all been naively stupid to believe that it would work hadn't they? A leopard doesn't change its spots does it? But … if Sacha hadn't managed to change Chrissie, then did that mean that he hadn't managed to change Jac?

Slipping into her office, the CT consultant did as Jonny suggested and spoke – apologised – first. Jac didn't know how long she spoke, but she talked for the longest time in ages and at the end of it her friend was smiling once again. "I wasn't changing you Jac … I was healing you; only – I can't anymore because I've done all I can. It's up to Jonny now to fix you up and help you okay? So long as you promise to let him in that is," he winked.

"What about you?"

"You'll always be my bestfriend Jac; the person I'll run to if I'm worried some girl is trying to flirt with me!"

"You okay though?"

Sacha shrugged, "Did it feel like your whole world had suddenly ended … when Joseph left. Did it feel like that?"

Jac hesitated, "No."

"No?"

"At that point I still had my job – that was still the most important thing to me, I knew what I wanted and I had it all planned out. Joseph leaving … just made me want it even more." She could tell that wasn't what Sacha had wanted to hear so she continued, voicing something she hadn't voice before now, "but … it felt like that when – when Jonny ended things back in January – and … and again a couple of months back."

"Why with Jonny and not with Joseph?"

"Because Jonny walked into my life and within a few short months, I had fallen for him and everything changed – what I wanted suddenly wasn't enough anymore … I had nothing because he was everything. I still don't know what I want … I just don't know anymore," shaking herself slightly Jac glanced at her friend, "to answer your question, it felt like that whenever I was stupid enough to loose Jonny … now imagine feeling that twice."

Sacha sighed, "it's a mess Jac; a total and utter mess! I … I don't even know if we're over for sure or if … if we're on a – a break or something!"

"Well if all my years in cardio have taught me anything, it's that matters involving the heart are never simple."

"You got that right Jac … sorry to interrupt – I just need to find something on my desk." Elliot bumbled across the room while Jac and Sacha glanced at the heap of … _stuff_ … that his desk was buried under somewhere.

"Have fun with that."

"What was with all those sudden mood swings earlier then?" Sacha asked leaning back against the sofa and opening the biscuit tin.

"Erm …"

"And you were eating too."

"Yeah … um," she began.

"Sacha … Oncology on the line for you." Jonny poked his head round the door and the GS registrar got to his feet.

"Probably wanting a visit … does your offer of sleeping on your settee still stand Jac?"

"It's got your name on it," she promised as he followed Jonny to the phone.

"Jac … you don't know who has been eating my doughnuts do you?" Elliot asked absently as he searched through his desk for whatever it was.

"Ah …"

But her lack of an answer was all the old heart man needed apparently, "how many weeks gone are you then?"

Jac coughed slightly, "Um … nine – nine weeks … I think."

"I take it that it's all under wraps for now then?" Jac nodded, "who else knows?"

"Mo and Jonny …" Jac relented knowing full well that not having Elliot know about the involvement of a gynaecologist could prove dangerous should something happen, "and um … Mr Thompson from obs and gynie."

"Obs and gynie … I won't ask." He gave a triumphant smile as he found the scrap of paper he' been searching for and headed out of the office, "you know, telling Sacha might be the lift he needs under the circumstances."

"What circumstances?"

"His daughter ill with cancer … his wife taking his son – who's got a hole in his heart – to Australia; surely knowing his bestfriend is pregnant will at least bring back _some_ of the Sacha Cheer." Elliot shrugged, "it's up to you of course – my lips are sealed."

"I'm going to see Rachel," Elliot had been gone five minutes before the door opened again, "D'you want to let me know when your shift has finished?" Jac nodded.

"Sacha …"

"What?"

"It'll be okay you know."

He looked down, "you sure about that?"

"Yeah … you'll see; one day things will start to be okay again."

"I hope you're right Jac."

"I speak from experience."

He was about to contradict her when he through better of it, "I guess you do."


End file.
